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The standard answer I’ve programmed myself to say when asked “when are you having another one” (another what? Puppy? Husband? Just kidding…) is, “Well, hopefully one day.” But what I really want to say is:
Oh I’ve been tracking my period on an iPhone app for three months, stopped taking my birth control and all medications in August, stopped drinking the occasional glass of wine just in case I might be pregnant, and I stopped going shopping for clothes because I won’t be wearing them long anyway since I’m trying to get pregnant right now. Wait, according to my app, I’m in my fertile window. Gotta go, bye!
My husband knew all of this was going on inside my compulsive brain, and I’m sure it made for some of my sexiest times in life. Not really. I think he was too nice to tell me that I was a schedule obsessed crazy person who should probably pour myself a glass of wine (or three) and online shop for clothes for a few hours. Needless to say, sex was a chore – a means to my desired end of pregnancy.
With our son, I didn’t even have to “try” to get pregnant. It was just a month after deciding we were ready to be parents that I got the positive pregnancy test result. I didn’t even see it coming; I mean, doesn’t it take a little longer than this? I was 25 at the time and we had just gotten married. I was happy, relaxed, fresh off the honeymoon, blissful – the perfect baby-making scenario.
But how soon did I forget what got us there in the first place! This time around, I was calculating due dates before I even conceived. I tracked my period and took pregnancy tests as soon as two weeks before my missed period. I started reading message board stories of women who just “knew” they were pregnant the moment they conceived and got a positive digital test right away. A friend of mine knew she was pregnant right away because her Fitbit tracked her heart rate at higher than her normal rate. Every time I heard one of these stories, I’d convince myself I was pregnant, obsess over taking a test, and then take one. And each time, the result was the same.
A single pink line. The bold words “Not Pregnant.” Just a flat-out “No.”
I didn’t understand. How was it so easy the last time? I mean, I’m so much more prepared now. I’m healthier. Sure, I’m 30 now, but my age shouldn’t affect it THAT much, should it? Why isn’t it happening for me?
Then my period was 4 days late. Being the 28 day, extremely regular person that I am, eeach day that ticked by made me more and more hopeful for a positive result. Maybe I just don’t have enough hormone in my system yet. Maybe I’m taking the tests wrong. I convinced myself I had to be pregnant because there was no period. I did everything I could to ensure I conceived, so logically, it had to be the reason for my late period.
Then it came. My period whacked me straight across the face.
First I cried. I thought about all the possible situations as to why I wasn’t pregnant yet and what the future looked like remaining a family of three. I called my sister in law to tell her the “bad” news.
I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m not going to tell you it will happen next month because it might not. You might never get pregnant again. I hope that you will be, but nothing’s guaranteed. So, I’ll just say I’m sorry you’re sad. Just chill out and just let it happen, if it’s meant to happen.
Some of you might want to say…Uh, Excuse me? Others may criticize her bluntness. But, it’s probably the part of her personality that I appreciate the most. She’s hoping to get pregnant soon, too. Our sons are one year apart, to the exact day – mine was late and hers was early. I was able to offer insight when she was a new mom, and now, she was returning the favor. She had already been through the obsessing and worrying phase. It couldn’t have come at a better time. And then, she hit me with this gem:
I enjoy being with my husband. If it makes a baby, great. But I’m not going to worry if it doesn’t.
So, that’s exactly what we’ve done. I put down the pregnancy tests, stopped tracking every move, and even opened a bottle of wine. I’m not worried about every little move I’m making because what will be, will be. It wasn’t easy to get to this point, that’s for sure.
Some may criticize me, simply because I am blessed with one child and I haven’t been trying to conceive for very long at all. But I know there are other women in my position, and there will be more in the future. These are the things I think about each and every day:
- I am so lucky to have one beautiful son. There are many women who can’t have children and want them badly.
- I am not ungrateful for my ability to have had that one beautiful, healthy boy.
- If he is all I ever have, we will be OK.
In the meantime, I’m enjoying the process and being thankful for what I have. I mean, practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? 🙂
Until next time, ya’ll!